A psychotherapist says parents who raise confident, mentally strong kids always do these 3 things when praising their children一位心理治疗师说，养育自信、精神强大的孩子的父母在表扬孩子时总是会做这三件事

As parents, we want our kids to feel good about themselves, so we try to praise them as much as possible.作为父母，我们希望我们的孩子自我感觉良好，所以我们尽量多表扬他们。

That's not necessarily a bad thing. Research shows that there are benefits to praising kids. A simple compliment can generate self-worth and pride. However, it depends on what kind of praise we give, as well as when and how frequently.这不一定是坏事。 研究表明，表扬孩子有好处。 一个简单的赞美可以产生自我价值和自豪感。 然而，这取决于我们给予什么样的赞美，以及何时和多频繁。

As a psychotherapist who works with parents and children, I've seen over and over again the negative effects of overpraising a child's talent or outcome ("This looks amazing!" "You're so handsome!" "Good job!").作为一名与父母和孩子一起工作的心理治疗师，我一遍又一遍地看到过分赞美孩子的才能或结果的负面影响（“这看起来很棒！”“你真帅！”“干得好！”）。

But these short, exaggerated reactions can cause kids to only focus on things that may harm their self-esteem. They might feel performance anxiety ("If I get this answer wrong, I am dumb"), for example, or believe that they are only appreciated for their appearance ("What if people think I look weird in this shirt? Then they won't love me").但是这些简短而夸张的反应会导致孩子们只关注可能损害他们自尊的事情。 例如，他们可能会感到表现焦虑（“如果我回答错了，我是愚蠢的”），或者认为他们只是因为他们的外表而受到赞赏（“如果人们认为我穿这件衬衫看起来很奇怪怎么办？那么他们就不会了” 不爱我”）。

So should you praise your kids at all? Of course. But there are right and wrong ways to give praise. Here's what parents of confident, self-motivated and mentally strong kids always do:但是这些简短而夸张的反应会导致孩子们只关注可能损害他们自尊的事情。 例如，他们可能会感到表现焦虑（“如果我回答错了，我是愚蠢的”），或者认为他们只是因为他们的外表而受到赞赏（“如果人们认为我穿这件衬衫看起来很奇怪怎么办？那么他们就不会了” 不爱我”）。

1. They praise the process他们赞美过程

When you praise the process (e.g., the kid putting effort into a math assignment), instead of the talent or outcome (e.g., the kid's natural ability to solve math problems quickly), kids are more likely to develop a positive attitude toward future challenges.当你表扬过程（例如，孩子在数学作业上付出的努力），而不是天赋或结果（例如，孩子快速解决数学问题的天生能力）时，孩子更有可能对未来的挑战形成积极的态度 .

In the 1990s, Carol S. Dweck, a professor of psychology at Stanford's Graduate School of Education, studied the effects of these types of praises. In one experiment, a group of children was told they were successful because they were smart, while the second group was told they were successful because they worked hard.1990 年代，斯坦福大学教育研究生院的心理学教授 Carol S. Dweck 研究了这些赞美的影响。 在一个实验中，一组孩子被告知他们成功是因为他们很聪明，而第二组被告知他们成功是因为他们努力工作。

When the two groups were given a variety of puzzles, children in the second group were more likely to choose a harder puzzle. Dweck also found that praising the process made them more likely to feel confident in a task even if they made a mistake.当给两组孩子提供各种拼图时，第二组的孩子更有可能选择更难的拼图。 Dweck 还发现，赞扬这个过程会使他们更有可能对任务充满信心，即使他们犯了错误。

2. They never make it a competition他们从不让它成为竞争

Parents love to compare — we can't help it! And sometimes, we'll even tell our kids that they're better than others ("You scored more goals than all your teammates combined!").父母喜欢比较——我们无能为力！ 有时，我们甚至会告诉我们的孩子他们比其他人更好（“你进的球比所有队友加起来都多！”）。

Often, it's done with good intentions. We want them to feel as proud as we do, and to be motivated to do even better the next time ... but for all the wrong reasons.通常，这是出于善意。 我们希望他们像我们一样感到自豪，并有动力在下一次做得更好……但出于所有错误的原因。

It's not healthy to be trapped in a vicious cycle of competition. Social comparisons can teach kids to always measure success based on the outcomes of other people.陷入竞争的恶性循环是不健康的。 社会比较可以教会孩子们始终根据其他人的结果来衡量成功。

Even worse, according to research, giving kids praise in terms of comparison, in some cases, can cultivate narcissism, attention-seeking behavior and a lack of teamwork values.更糟糕的是，根据研究，在某些情况下，在比较方面给孩子表扬会培养自恋、寻求关注的行为和缺乏团队合作价值观。

The better approach? Encourage them to compare their past efforts with their present efforts, rather than with other people. This gets them into the habit of shifting their goals away from being better than everyone else and toward self-improvement.更好的方法？ 鼓励他们将过去的努力与现在的努力进行比较，而不是与其他人进行比较。 这让他们养成了将目标从比其他人更好转向自我提升的习惯。

3. They use observational language 他们使用观察性语言

Instead of saying, "That's so good!", you may want to say, "I love the colors in your painting. Tell me more about why you chose them." (This is what it means to praise the process.)与其说“太好了！”，您可能想说，“我喜欢您画中的颜色。请告诉我更多关于您选择它们​​的原因。” （这就是表扬过程的意思。）

Another example: Instead of saying, "You looked like a pro riding that bike!," parents of motivated kids might say something like, "You were so careful and focused while riding your bike. Even when you wobbled a bit and almost fell off, you kept going! That was cool to watch."另一个例子：与其说“你骑那辆自行车看起来很专业！”，有动力的孩子的父母可能会说，“你骑自行车时非常小心和专注。即使你有点摇晃，差点摔倒 ，你继续前进！这很酷。”

These simple language tweaks can help your kids feel proud of themselves for putting effort into something. It can also make them more excited to take on more challenging things in the future.这些简单的语言调整可以帮助您的孩子为自己为某事付出努力而感到自豪。 它还可以让他们更兴奋地在未来接受更具挑战性的事情。

Lastly, it's important to create an environment of emotional safety. If your child failed a spelling test, refrain from telling them they should have studied harder. Instead, ask them what they think they can do to improve next time.最后，创造一个情绪安全的环境很重要。 如果您的孩子没有通过拼写测试，不要告诉他们他们应该更努力地学习。 相反，问问他们认为他们下次可以做些什么来改进。

Kids need to know that they can come to their parents not just when they've done something well, but also when they are struggling with a specific task or challenge.孩子们需要知道，不仅当他们做得很好时，而且当他们在特定的任务或挑战中挣扎时，他们可以来找父母。

作者简介：杰西卡·范德维尔是一名心理治疗师，主要与家庭和儿童一起工作。 她还是 Our Mama Village 的创始人，在那里她通过在线课程、个性化辅导和免费资源提供育儿见解。 杰西卡与丈夫和两个女儿住在加拿大。